He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
