When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
