I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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