God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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