Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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