One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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