his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
