Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
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