just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
