dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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