I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
