I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
