so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
