When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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