I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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