First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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