Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
