Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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