I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
