i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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