I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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