you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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