I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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