i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
