how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
