Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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