Your face is a jimmy john
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
