He asked me if I "almost moaned"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
