saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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