Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
