If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
