a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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