lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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