I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
