Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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