my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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