he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
