apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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