I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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