I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
