I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
