I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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