theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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