That's intense
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
