that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
