Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
