I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
