I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
