i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
