my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
