My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
