Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
