I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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