Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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