Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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