Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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