nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
