He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?