Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
