I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.