Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
