explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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